I’m tired, really.

all good things must come to an end.

When someone say I’m too complicated, I question myself. Then I start making it easier for someone to like me by not being me. Then I start holding back when someone say I’m too open, like there’s no mystery left for that person to know more about me. I’m guilty of this—trying to please everyone by adapting to whatever is convenient to them. In the end, I’d find me questioning my worth and existence, and I believe that’s not good.

My close friends say that I should not get confused when people leave me; that it’s never about me but them. Indeed, those encouragements help me get by but up to a certain extent only. I can’t be too positive about it. If this keeps happening again and again, then there must be something wrong with me.

I either get left or get cheated on. That’s constant. Sometimes, when someone is too interested and so into me, I push that person away because it feels like that person is trying to take away my freedom from me. This is what love taught me—do not keep people in your life. I’ve learnt and discovered that I’m never and will never be a keeper and I easily let people walk away from my life.

there goes my short-lived romance once again.

So when I thought that this person will finally stay and understand me, I was wrong. He was too in love of the idea of being alone that he doesn’t want to end up hurting me—he already did, so what difference does it make? I don’t blame him because I know that was the first time that someone is serious about him. He may have been overwhelmed, confused about that much of emotions, who knows? The only thing I know is that I need to move on and get it going.

Maybe I was too clingy, or too kind? He once said that he couldn’t feel me even when we were together. He noticed that I didn’t smile a lot and that my voice sounded bored when I was talking to him. He once argued with me because he thought I was being a copycat with all the things that he do. Little he did know that I was really just like that. Maybe I was too distant and too away, I don’t know?

I wish he knew how I would always look forward to every weekend to come so I can finally see him. I wish he knew that I wanted to listen to songs that he likes not because I wanted to imitate him but because I want to have a glimpse of his world. I didn’t want him to be my world but at least I want him to have a fraction of it. I wish he knew how to handle such big love that I could give to him because it’s not everyday that I could give such kind of love to anyone.

One thing that I’ve learnt from this train wreck love life that I have is that pain is temporary. What bothers me tonight won’t matter after a year or two. What holds me back today will empower me in the next days or weeks to come. I don’t know, but I’m slowly giving up on love. I’m tired, really.

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