September 7, 2015. 5:34 PM.
I was weak and vulnerable that day. I haven’t eaten anything for three days straight because I felt full. I barely moved at all but managed to get myself to the Adoration Chapel. I desperately needed a sign from Him, so I prayed hard like I’ve never prayed to Him before. He responded to me by letting me meet him for the last time of my life. He was there, standing right in front of me as I was crying my heart out. He asked, “What’s the matter, tell me?” I said nothing. He picked me up on my arms and walked me on the bench to talk things over. He always knew I was having issues with my family and he has been my shoulders to lean on. He was listening to me very well and had been advising me that everything will be all right – not until the moment he uttered something about us.
He told me everything, and that was the only time I felt he was being honest with me about his feelings. I was really waiting for that moment when he would tell me that he had been having an affair because I knew all about it already. He didn’t mention anything about that, but he’d been telling me that he didn’t deserve my love because I’m always the forgiving one and all because he’d been committing things he shouldn’t be committing in the first place. I don’t know what to say, but I really thought he’s being unfair because he used my vulnerability that day; hence a double whammy for me, if others would say. I uttered nothing but silence because he knew my eyes spoke sadness all along.
We talked about things I didn’t understand at all because nothing came into my mind except the thought of loneliness and being broken. When the mass has ended, I managed to get up from my seat and walked inside the Adoration Chapel. I needed an arm to hold me and God was there. Thank God for He was there to catch me through my prayers.
The prayers may have done the miracles for me because I managed not to cry anymore and decided to go home. He decided to walk me home for the last time. He heard nothing from me, despite his efforts to make everything feel lighter and a little positive. I told myself, “This guy is crazy, isn’t he? He broke my heart yet he’s trying to console my emotions by making me laugh. Such a shame!” I managed not to smile and not to give any glance to him that moment. and I never regretted a thing or two about that.
He asked me why I was so distant to him and he tried to pull me closer to his arms. I refused and told him that ‘I am good’ and he didn’t have to worry about me. He frowned. I rested a poker face.
He was telling me stories about our good memories together, but nothing registered in my mind but pain. Maybe, he thought that I would be consoled if he made me remember everything that night. Maybe, he thought that I would be the same Kim, who would easily forget everything after a few moments of deep thinking. Maybe, he didn’t think that what he was doing that time would make the pain worse than ever.
I managed not to let him come near our house because he’s banned from coming in there, so we parted ways when reached the nearby street. I was numb when he hugged me. I turned my back against him, and so he did his back to me, too. Suddenly, I felt a sudden rush of adrenaline down to my legs and made me run after him. I did not hug him, but just tapped his shoulders. He stopped so we could talk over.
Now, here’s the part where I told him everything I needed to tell him – about him, my life with him, my life without him, my days, my stress, my problems and everything… everything he wanted me to say while we were walking home, but there was no single moment when I begged him to stay. I said, “If God allows, then He surely will.” That was the moment when I have accepted everything and have already moved on. Yes, I have moved on that fast. “Why not?” I asked myself. I did not doubt everything because I knew that God has a plan for me.
I may be broken yesterday, but never again today. Indeed, the memories are there and will always be present, but that wouldn’t hurt me because those memories would serve as a good reminder that everything in this life is fast changing. I suddenly remembered that we are living in a world of impermanence and these things will make us better individuals not because we need to but because that’s how it is should be – we keep learning in life, because if we stop learning, then we fail to live life.