Foulards for days! #HelpAFriend

#HelpAFriend: We have a couple of foulards (pronounced as foo-lards in English and foo-lah in French) at home and I plan on selling them. We don’t use them here — heck, I only use it as a “bag tag” to identify which one is mine. I’ve included some photos to let you all see how it looks like and how it can be tied on a bag (thanks mum for letting me borrow something out of your bag collection!)

Aside from being a bag tag, foulards can also be a great way to counter summer heat and to deal with the cold winter. It’s lightweight, made up of 100% silk and is very easy to wash and dry.

Our foulards measure 34×34 inches (about 87×87 centimetres). However, this ships straight out of Singapore, and so I apologise if the designs and stocks are very limited for now and might take a while to get delivered.

Giorgio Armani sells them for about $300 (PHP 16,200, $1 = PHP 54), which I don’t intend to do of course. Haha. If anyone’s interested, I’ll be delighted to help.

Thank you! 💕

Travel Notes: 1 November 2018

Cainta, Rizal, Philippines

On this day, when we remember what a great man my grandfather was, I’ve had the chance to be with my cousins, aunts and grandma. Finally, our busy schedules have aligned today, and as a bonus: I was able to speak to my dad on the phone albeit short. He’s travelling to France as of writing. I’m wondering what Tatay has been doing up there and whether he’s proud of what I’ve become today. I mean, who knows? X

Travel Notes: 26 October 2018

Pasay City, Philippines

The sun is setting

And you’re right here by my side

And the movie’s playing

But we won’t be watching tonight

I have no words to describe this week, but let me tell you than I am happy. I don’t think I am in the position to complain about anything, even though I feel empty; consciously know that there is something lacking in me. I am tired—beyond exhausted—but happy and content. To remind you how beautiful life could be, here are some photos I took on our way to the City of Dreams Manila in Pasay City for the #PFIP2018 5th Gala Night.

Have a good weekend, people! x

[Week 8] What’s New?

One thing I like about 2017 is that it keeps on challenging me. Professionally, I have been tested on how I handle pressure at work. Personally, I have been challenged to increase my threshold and not allowing my emotions to get best of me. It’s only been 8 weeks since this year started and a lot has happened and changed already. I can’t wait to discover more things that 2017 has to offer to me!

Last January, we successfully launched a new campaign and we brought back our Blowout Party for our new Teammates. Spearheaded by one of our recruiters, Kyle, our Blowout Party was one of a kind, filled with exciting activities and good food. It was a first for this year and we will definitely do more moving forward. I can’t wait to meet our new Teammates soon and deliver a ridiculously good Blowout Party for them.

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After 11 years, my best friend and I had the chance to meet again! She and her family moved to the US circa 2006. Even though she would come back here in the Philippines from time to time, we never had the chance to meet. I am happy that I was able to see her, to hug her, and to tell her all of my stories. One day was not enough for us to do our catching up but knowing and seeing her again would be one of the best gifts that this year has given me.

In the hopes of living a healthier lifestyle and looking better than ever, here are some of my recent selfie. I am back at sporting a short hair and removing my facial hair every other day. A lot of people have been telling me to try to look cleaner. At first, I didn’t know what they wanted to say until I realized that I look differently without my messy hair and thick goatee and beard. Also, I’ve been jogging these past days. I promised myself to eat healthier and so to reinforce that one, I needed to exercise. The inter-site sports cup will happen this summer and I should be ready by then. We aim to win and in order to win, we all must be fit to play. I started mine and I will definitely continue this!

Just recently, TaskUs has been tapped as one of the major sponsors for Paragala: Central Luzon Media Awards and we were able to witness the best and the brightest stars in the media industry. I was able to meet a lot relevant people in the business and so our network here in Pampanga and the whole Central Luzon widened. I am thrilled and honoured that our ridiculously good company has been recognized and made a lot of noise before, during, and after the event.

Here are sine of my goals for the coming days/weeks:

  • Increase our candidate foot fall, thus close out the big ramps and classes this coming March and April.
  • Continue jogging and exercising everyday.
  • Increase engagement activities and initiatives for candidates and employees.
  • Watch move TV series and movies.
  • Save for my Cebu trip this June and our Japan trip this October.
  • Finish another book.
  • Research things and possibilities of getting to either Law school or Master’s Degree program in the future.
  • Find ways to not get bored at work.
  • Fall in love soon. Not that it’s a priority, but I want to keep this as an open option.

No words can explain how much I love how things are going my way and my pace. Nothing is going either too slow or too fast. I feel like I am on track in life not only because I know what I am doing, but also I feel good because of the people that surround me. This is the first time I can say that I enjoy everything that’s been happening. This would be the only chance I would say that I feel like I am growing. Here’s to more winning moments! +++++

Weekly Update: Week 40

When an old chapter closes a new one begins.

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We’re moving in circles, and you are the light that guides me through.

More than half of the year have passed. I’ve met new faces; forgot most of the old ones. I’ve been to shitty dates and flings. I’ve had my fair share of ups and downs at work; been a hopper ever since then. I’ve been to places I never thought I’d go to. It has been one rough ride but I’m getting better at it. Let me do a quick recap about what my year has been through.

Books

Cruel Crown by Victoria Aveyard.
Cruel Crown by Victoria Aveyard.

The series of Red Queen by Victoria Aveyard has been on my To-Read List since the start of this year. I’ve managed to finish the 1st book and I’m starting now with the Prequel, Cruel Crown. Based from reading suggestions, it’s going to be better to read Cruel Crown than going directly to the 2nd book, Glass Sword, to better understand the characters’ history + know more about the Kingdom of Silvers. I know, I should stop reading Young Adult books (hello there baby hihi), but I just couldn’t because of the fact that my mind’s creative side gets exercised. Though the story is predictable to avid readers, the plot will still bring you to a roller-coaster-fantasy-extravaganza. I’m looking forward to finish the book this week so I can secure a copy of Glass Sword ASAP.

See also: my renewed vow and love for reading has dawned!

TV Series

One day you're in, next day you're out.
One day you’re in, next day you’re out.

The new season of How to Get Away With Murder has arrived but I haven’t started watching it again. There’s no excuse for this one but I’m really finding it hard to watch it because: 1. I have terrible internet connection in my dorm, and; 2. I have no time to spare. Now, I’ve been hearing stories—thanks to you spoilers, friends—about the new season and boy, I can’t wait to start watching it again!

The Stranger Things is next on my list. Not only that it’s the new buzz in Twitter and Facebook—again, thanks to my dear friends—but it’s been dubbed as “a wonderful blend of everything 80’s and as binge-worthy a TV show as you’ll find this year.” What makes me curious to try watching it is my interest and bias towards The Twilight Zone. I love shows that are eccentric and hard to determine these days. The more that the plot is twisted, the more that I get excited about it. I just hope this series won’t come close to disappointment as my hopes are really high.

Runner-up: Outcast that has started many moons ago. Also, no excuse to be lazy moving forward—I will find time to watch these series!

Location

Crafty ceiling at Binalot, Nepo Strip, Angeles City, Pampanga.
Crafty ceiling at Binalot, Nepo Strip, Angeles City, Pampanga.

I’ve recently moved to Pampanga due to my new work—but with the same bosses, mind you! Yes, I’ve managed to conquer my fear of leaving the Metro by convincing myself to move out, find a place outside Metro Manila, and start with an almost-new life. I’ve transferred to a new company due to unforeseen events that have happened. Call me names, I don’t care, but I will never stay in a company where my health, safety, and career growth are compromised. I’m fortunate that my previous bosses actually had an opening for me in Pampanga—a better paying job, better environment, bigger opportunity to grow career-wise, and new people to work with. So far, the environment suits me well. I like my team and I can never ask for more!

Work

TaskUs ERP Booth Setup by yours truly.
TaskUs ERP Booth Setup by yours truly.

A lot people wonder about my career plan. Well, to be honest, I really don’t have one, but when they ask me what I do, I simply tell them that I lure people in. I sell the company to potential candidates. That’s how important Sourcing is to the team. I could have easily chosen to be in Recruitment, but without Sourcing, the Recruitment Team won’t be able to process anyone. Prior joining my company, the average number of candidates that would visit the site would go between 7 to 10 in a day. When I joined the Team, we were able to increase the number to 40-50 in a day; even brought 90 candidates in one day. How did I do that? That’s the secret I probably won’t tell, not unless you are my boyfriend. 😉

On the brighter side of things, we were able to close out the previous months strongly, as we were more than 100% in terms of our pooling and hiring rate in Pampanga. #PampangaStrong #PakGanireKamiSaPampanga

Life

Slowly, you're becoming my life now.
Slowly, you’re becoming my life now.

So far, I’ve been living better. I haven’t been hospitalized for the past 3 months. My binge drinking habit is slowly dying down. I’ve been eating more food these days not because I can but because I should. If I were to rate my life from 1 to 10 and 10 being the highest, I’m close to getting to 7. It’s always been a work in progress. I never consider myself close to 8 or 9 because I know there will come a time that I will falter and get tripped again. What matters to me now is that I’m living a better life without any regret or hatred towards anyone. I love how things are falling into its rightful places; that I don’t need to rush things. Sometimes, the unexpected things (and people) come along in times that one feel helpless. I learnt not only to be patient but not to do things out of my emotions.

Plans

Stuck for now, but I know I'm moving.
Stuck for now, but I know I’m moving.
  1. Zambales Trip with the Pampanga Recruitment and Training Team.
  2. Visit Enchanted Kingdom on baby’s birthday this month.
  3. Start saving for our future travels and side trips.
  4. Stop binge drinking and eating.
  5. Resume weekend volleyball habit.
  6. Minimise social media usage.

+++++

Weekly Update: Week 32

Work Life

Some of the former Sourcing Team. From left to right: Mama Nica, Jylla, and Louise, who were all from the Offsite Team and are now part of the Selection Team; Clarize, who were originally from the Call Outs Team and is now part of the Management of Information System Team; Blue, my former supervisor in Sourcing; Rich, former Leads Generation for Online; Gian, former Digital and Marketing Specialist for Recruitment and Site; and myself, former Leads Generation for Employee and Applicant Referrals, and is now calling it off. 🙂
After midnight dinner/bonding/chikahan. I’ll miss everyone for sure.

While the earth is getting blessed by the rain and the cool wind from the North, I am grateful to have survived yet another busy but fulfilling week. I reward myself with a good 16 hour sleep today, coming from a late night out with my team mates at Mercato Centrale BGC.

We were grateful to have Miss C’s presence last night and boy, her stories and her kindness never fail to amaze and inspire us! She’s been our mentor, our dearest friend, and our biggest supporter ever when we’re all still in the Sourcing Team.

Yes, I’m confirming it here—I’m resigning from my company due to health reasons and because I’ll be moving out. It has been couple of weeks—exactly a month from the time I’m writing this—when I’ve had my Urinary Track Infection, kidney stones, and high uric acid count and I haven’t been well since then. I literally had to fake it till I make it, but unfortunately didn’t pull it off. I couldn’t walk properly because of the pain and all my savings were gone in a snap to support my medication. I tried my best to take care of my body better but just failed at addressing the real problem.

I didn’t want to blame my work because I love Sourcing but because I’m handling everything in Sourcing now—without a supervisor and team mates—the work load is taking its toll on me. Up to yesterday, I was responsible in handling Leads Generation for online postings  for both Facebook and Jobstreet, Leads Generation for Employee and Applicant Referrals, Job Fair leads consolidation, school coordination and tie ups, and online/digital marketing. At the same time, I was responsible, too, in doing call outs and invites to all the leads that I’ve encoded. I couldn’t fit everything in the 9 hours shift (including lunch, or working lunch if I may add) so I would normally be in the office for more than 13 hours in a day. I would come in at exactly 8 AM and would go home around 11 PM, 12 in the midnight.

I love my job and everything about Sourcing but my company does not love me back.

A simple reminder yet something difficult to keep in mind and do. Photo taken at Serenitea at Bonifacio One Technology Tower, 31st Street.

Food Discoveries!

Recently, I’ve been discovering good places to dine in with my friends and team mates around Bonifacio Global City. I always consider the place and the proximity. Scrap price from the equation! When we talk about food, I believe you cannot compromise quality over anything else. First on my list is Passion by Gerard Dubois.

Passion by Gerard Dubois

A little piece of heaven on Earth.

Passion by Gerard Dubois (or the awesome French bakery according to Ms C. Haha!) is at Shop C2 of the NetPark, 5th Ave, Taguig, 1634 Metro Manila. From its website, I quote, “…patrons seeking a traditional French café experience can sit back to savour a crispy oven-to-plate baguette with a rich chocolat chaud, in a homey country cottage décor and the aroma of freshly baked bread.” 

A slice of Framboisier from Passion by Gerard Dubois is something you need in your life when things aren’t going your way. See more at Kimmy’s Instagram.

Passion makes you feel that you are in that place in Paris, France where you enjoy a peaceful, laid-back, sunny day by a plate of French goodies and a cup of good coffee. I’m not the type of person who is particular with the interiors and whatnot but Passion amazes you with its concept and upbeat vibe.

A platter full of Royal Potato Salad to share with your family and friends, best when served cold. If you’re a big fan of salad, then this is a must try! See more photos at Kimmy’s Instagram.

Food and quality wise, Passion by Gerard Dubois serves only the best. From good pastries, freshly baked goodies, mouth-watering pasta, and delicious flat bread, to awesome sandwiches, thirst-quenching beverages, and delightful desserts, Passion is a good definition of a little piece of heaven on Earth.

Passion is open daily from 8 AM to 11 PM.

A cup full of Strawberry Gelato for only Php98! Why strawberry? I don’t think I need to answer this as I’m clearly stating the obvious. Ha! See more photos at Kimmy’s Instagram.
A fix of a good cappuccino in this gloomy, rainy weather is something we all need, even if I don’t drink coffee these days anymore.

Chicken & Beer

Passion, indeed, was a runaway winner this week but I can never forget my experience in Chicken & Beer with—who else?—my team mates.

Sourcing Team almost complete! Missed Em and Kim that night.
All smiles because food has arrived! From left to right: Me, Clarize, Blue, Rich, Louisa, Mama Nics, Chef, Louise, Gian, Jylla, and Jann.

I really have a love and hate relationship with spicy food. I was never a fan of any spicy food but I keep eating it anyway. We ordered Paris Chicken (8 pcs for Php 325), Hot Wings* (8 pcs for Php 325), Honey Garlic Chicken (6 pcs for Php 335), and Original Chicken (6 pcs for Php 295), 1 rice per person, and tons of water!!!

*It’s really, really, really, really, really spicy!

Plates full of assorted chicken wings. How can that get any better? See more photos at Kimmy’s Instagram.

The place also plays and features Korean music videos, a good addition to the upbeat ambiance that it parades. And how else can you enjoy it? They serve ice-cold beers and tons of other liquor choices. It’s also allowed to smoke inside the premises, although my friends went out to smoke as a courtesy to others who dined in there, too.

Anyway, we had fun during the team’s open forum a.k.a. chikahan session while enjoying the good customer service provided by the crew of Chicken & Beer. What makes it more interesting is its fast service. All of our orders were complete in less than 15 minutes and that’s plus points to someone who values service and food quality over anything else.

Our food share per person: Php 170 + Php 70 for the booze I drank. My share: Php 240!

Personal Updates

I’ve been sick, lately, but it should never be an excuse not to dress up well and look good. It isn’t cheap to support your medication, take care of your skin, and to update your wardrobe from time to time—who said it’s going to be easy anyway? However, this isn’t about vanity but lifestyle.

You may look well outside—dressed up fine and dandy, living a good life—but dying inside, and I talk about this literally.

To those who’s asking why and how I’m losing weight, the only secret I have is to cut down my food intake. From my regular rice meals to my beloved soda, I had to give it all up and change it with fruits-oatmeal diet plan and water. Before, my calories intake would normally shoot up to 2000 to 2500 calories in a day and that’s without any exercise. I was tagged overweight for my height and age. Now, my calories intake is down to 1400 calories in a day—sometimes 1200 calories if the diet plan asks for it.

Not that I’m afraid to gain weight but it’s really about maintaining a healthier lifestyle now. My uric acid count is too high for my age and I couldn’t do anything but to eat healthier, live healthier, and be in medication maintenance.

Here’s to a healthier self! I’m doing the best that I can to fully recover ASAP and get started with my plans for the rest of the year.

Preppy and dressed down on a Sunday at Immaculate Conception Seminary when we visited my brother. Shirt from American Eagle, shorts from Uniqlo, shoes from Sperry, foot socks from Burlington. See more photos at Kimmy’s Instagram.
Rainy day essentials: boots from Caterpillar shoes, jogger jeans from Jag Jeans, pullover from my grandpa’s closet. See more photos at Kimmy’s Instagram.

++++

I am Independent and This is What Love Means to Me

 

“We accept the love we think we deserve.” – Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower.

I came from a family where my parents have trusted me enough to do things on my own even when I was still a kid. Back then, when I was still 5 years old, I had to learn things by myself. Not because my parents didn’t love me, but because I understand that they’re both busy with their professions back then. I needed to have that initiative to get things done at school and at home.

When I studied in the University, I didn’t ask that much money from my parents. I found a way to support myself, even to get some of my wants in life. I was not only independent at that time but I was also brave enough to discover many ways to get things done without others’ help.

I can definitely say that –

I am independent
I am free
I am capable of doing things on my own.

No, I don’t need someone who will take me out for fancy dates in an expensive restaurant. No, I don’t want someone who will give me gifts when it’s our anniversary or when it’s my birthday. No, it’s not okay to me when you think I am an accessory that you can bring to any party or occasion. No, it will never be okay with me when you think I am someone who is under you or anyone else.

I deserve love for who I am and not for who that person wants me to be. I should be loved based on my capabilities and not on whatever I cannot do in life because that’s being pitiful but not loving.

I am kind and vulnerable at times but that doesn’t give anyone the right to hurt me. I am strong and no one can take that away from me. Nobody deserves unjust treatment and I deserve to be treated right. I am not just an option for anyone to neglect.

I deserve that kind of love which empowers me as a person. I long for that person who will not down me but complement me as we move forward in this life. I don’t look if that person is strong or weak and it isn’t about that. What I look for in a person is the ability to appreciate what I can give and whatever I would be.

I don’t think I need a romantic partner to complete my life, but I need someone who will me realize that despite being strong, independent, and capable,  I am still capable of growing and learning; that there are still lots of things to learn and look forward to in this life. +++

Rule #1: Impress Yourself First, Not Others

On average, I get to meet two to three new guys every two weeks. I get to know them from various dating applications available, but most of them are from referrals of a friend or colleague. There are those who get to live up with my interests and activities in life. There are those, too, who are my total opposite. I don’t mind meeting a guy who hates my school for nothing, nor anyone who likes me because I like reading books. In fact, I really don’t expect that much from anyone of them. That isn’t the catch because I think the problem is not with them but with me.

I easily get tired of people, especially meeting new ones. Seriously.

There are times when I suddenly wouldn’t reply to this guy because I’m either busy at work or I’m busy finding something uninteresting about him. There were lots of times when I would cancel a date last minute just because I wanted to go home and play my online computer games instead. I think I easily lose interest to a guy not because I don’t like him but because I am tired.

I am tired of going out and spending a hundred or two for a nonsensical movie. I am tired of drinking a frappe and impressing each other with our achievemens and milestones in life. I am tired of hearing lame jokes just for them to tell me how beautiful it is to see me smile. I am tired of selling myself to others just to impress them and not me. I am tired of meeting guys who wouldn’t even ask me if I wanted to be there and not elsewhere. I am tired of meeting somebody who introduces himself as this when in reality he isn’t. I’m tired of being nice to everyone. I’m tired of them all.

What about it? I mean, I know it’s not just me who get to feel this way. So, as answer to this, I started assessing things and revamped my routines. As cliché as it sounds, I really had to review my routines to get things going. Nothing excites me more than a box of pizza and a bottle of a cold beer.

It’s not that I don’t enjoy socializing with others, but it’s because I don’t think I get the essence of doing and giving more for others when you know within you that you’re empty. How can you give something to someone if you know you’re nothing but an empty human being?

Instead of meeting up with guys, I’d rather come to work and wouldn’t even mind working for y days a week. In that way, I get to meet my expactations and goals at work. Instead of going out on a date, I’d rather go out with my friends and have a drink or two and talk about places we’d love to visit soon. Instead of chatting on anyone from the dating apps, I’d rather have a good chat with my family more to catch up and plan our next holiday trip. Instead of devoting my time impressing others, I’d rather learn a new language or finish reading the books from my overdue reading lists. Instead of dressing up for a date, I’d rather dress up for work and for Sunday church service.

I don’t think I’m being a pain in the ass for anyone but I believe they really need a time to get to know me better. I want to settle where I know I can be comfortable. This time, I want to be in the moment wherein I am successful in my career and personal life and not dependent from others about it. I want to be one of the best in what I do in life. I want to travel to places I’ve never been to. I want to go far from here. I want to learn new languages and fluently use it. I want to become a better person for myself.

Happiness starts within you, and it doesn’t need to depend on others. If you want to impress others, you should start impressing yourself first. You can demand only if you deserve to. You can never ask for too much. If you cannot, in any way, be at par with them, then you need to work your way up there; hence there is no other way but up. +++

Changing Priorities Are Diamonds – It Lasts Forever

 

Let’s face it – we are living in a world full of sudden and unexpected changes. From our little dreams when we were kids to the things we ought to do for the week, it only shows that we are creatures of change. But, why do we change? Have you ever wondered how a cheerful, optimistic person suddenly turns into a monster of sadness and pain? How does a 30 minute drive from work to home changes one’s mood? How do we become so religious and spiritual when life gets us into trouble? How? Why?

I know most of us will definitely answer that priorities change due to various life circumstances that may come along, but that answer does not suffice my craving for the answer to this question. The longing for the key to this mystery still clings, like how most of us cling to what has happened before. I desperately need answers but I’m left in this void.

“How does one become so happy now and sad an hour or two after? Why do we change our feelings for a person whom we have loved and known for long already when we meet somebody along the way? Why do we stop living our life when we lose somebody over death? Why do we need to move on if we have had always been happy cherishing every moment of the past? If God is making new people each and everyday of this life, then why does He need to take away the others, don’t they have the right to live longer? How do we un-love something we had grown so much with?”

These are some of the questions I long to answer but don’t know how to and where to find the answers. If I had become so smart and was given any chance to choose a superpower, I will definitely be choosing something to help me find the answers to these powerful questions that I have at least on my mind. But more than the superpowers, I feel stronger now as compared before because of the lessons I have learned about priorities in life.

I have grown mentally and emotionally, and I realized that I have grown tired of waiting for people. If you’ve had known me quite well, then you would know that I am one of the most patient – if not the most patient – person ever in this world. You could make me wait for an hour, or two, or three, or four, and that I wouldn’t be mad at you. It came into a point, when I finally learned something from my experiences, that I don’t deserve waiting on someone to prioritize me; that nobody deserves to wait in vain without knowing what will happen next.

If he does not look for you first thing in the morning, then probably he won’t be looking for you before he sleeps at night, too. If she does not care about as to whoever you are with, then she probably does not care at all about you. If one does not see or feel your absence, then your presence is and will never be appreciated. It really takes a lot of courage to suck these things all up but that is just the way it is – we can never be everybody’s priority.

I’ve learnt to finally accept that despite being good to most people around you they wouldn’t mind leaving you, most especially if you have done them wrong, even just for once. We could never please everybody, and that contributes to the changing of priorities in this life. Pleasing everybody makes everything worse, because the very best thing that we could do about it is to accept that few people would like us and a lot would turn us down. That is the harsh but truthful fact about living in a world full of priorities.

WE can never give the same love to two different persons.
WE cannot give something that we didn’t really have in the first place.
WE can never fake happiness.
WE are not in love unless we really feel it.
WE can un-love somebody.
WE can let it go.
WE can stop if we are tired.
WE don’t deserve to be cheated.
WE should not stop learning.
WE should work our way up.
WE can forget things.
WE cannot be the same person we were few years back.
WE cannot be somebody else to complete others.
WE can get hurt if we want to.
WE can get sad, too.

But above everything,
WE can be a priority, too – someday, somehow, we will be.

Heartbreaks: When Nightmares Turn Into Lessons

September 7, 2015. 5:34 PM.

I was weak and vulnerable that day. I haven’t eaten anything for three days straight because I felt full. I barely moved at all but managed to get myself to the Adoration Chapel. I desperately needed a sign from Him, so I prayed hard like I’ve never prayed to Him before. He responded to me by letting me meet him for the last time of my life. He was there, standing right in front of me as I was crying my heart out. He asked, “What’s the matter, tell me?” I said nothing. He picked me up on my arms and walked me on the bench to talk things over. He always knew I was having issues with my family and he has been my shoulders to lean on. He was listening to me very well and had been advising me that everything will be all right – not until the moment he uttered something about us.

He told me everything, and that was the only time I felt he was being honest with me about his feelings. I was really waiting for that moment when he would tell me that he had been having an affair because I knew all about it already. He didn’t mention anything about that, but he’d been telling me that he didn’t deserve my love because I’m always the forgiving one and all because he’d been committing things he shouldn’t be committing in the first place. I don’t know what to say, but I really thought he’s being unfair because he used my vulnerability that day; hence a double whammy for me, if others would say. I uttered nothing but silence because he knew my eyes spoke sadness all along.

We talked about things I didn’t understand at all because nothing came into my mind except the thought of loneliness and being broken. When the mass has ended, I managed to get up from my seat and walked inside the Adoration Chapel. I needed an arm to hold me and God was there. Thank God for He was there to catch me through my prayers.

The prayers may have done the miracles for me because I managed not to cry anymore and decided to go home. He decided to walk me home for the last time. He heard nothing from me, despite his efforts to make everything feel lighter and a little positive. I told myself, “This guy is crazy, isn’t he? He broke my heart yet he’s trying to console my emotions by making me laugh. Such a shame!” I managed not to smile and not to give any glance to him that moment. and I never regretted a thing or two about that.

He asked me why I was so distant to him and he tried to pull me closer to his arms. I refused and told him that ‘I am good’ and he didn’t have to worry about me. He frowned. I rested a poker face.

He was telling me stories about our good memories together, but nothing registered in my mind but pain. Maybe, he thought that I would be consoled if he made me remember everything that night. Maybe, he thought that I would be the same Kim, who would easily forget everything after a few moments of deep thinking. Maybe, he didn’t think that what he was doing that time would make the pain worse than ever.

I managed not to let him come near our house because he’s banned from coming in there, so we parted ways when reached the nearby street. I was numb when he hugged me. I turned my back against him, and so he did his back to me, too. Suddenly, I felt a sudden rush of adrenaline down to my legs and made me run after him. I did not hug him, but just tapped his shoulders. He stopped so we could talk over.

Now, here’s the part where I told him everything I needed to tell him – about him, my life with him, my life without him, my days, my stress, my problems and everything… everything he wanted me to say while we were walking home, but there was no single moment when I begged him to stay. I said, “If God allows, then He surely will.” That was the moment when I have accepted everything and have already moved on. Yes, I have moved on that fast. “Why not?” I asked myself. I did not doubt everything because I knew that God has a plan for me.

I may be broken yesterday, but never again today. Indeed, the memories are there and will always be present, but that wouldn’t hurt me because those memories would serve as a good reminder that everything in this life is fast changing. I suddenly remembered that we are living in a world of impermanence and these things will make us better individuals not because we need to but because that’s how it is should be – we keep learning in life, because if we stop learning, then we fail to live life.